


Her John.

by SerenityBlack



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heartbreak, Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2020-09-23 10:48:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20338885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SerenityBlack/pseuds/SerenityBlack
Summary: Just some drabbles (okay maybe not technically since they can be over 100 words) involving my two favorite loves, John and Joss.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing for this pair, so please take it easy on me, lol. But in all honesty, I became a careeser late and it was only because Netflix suggested I watch the show. The moment they met in that precinct and she introduced herself and his face changed to that of curiosity, I knew I was setting sail on this new ship. So, fellow careesers, here is my very small and I'm sure insignificant contribution to this beautiful ship of ours. I hope you enjoy these, as I slowly post more.

"Baby, I don't think they are supposed to be on fire," said a giggling Joss, as she watched John, with amusement, trying to control the flames that overtook the grill.

She loved seeing him like this. No man in the suit - No one to save today. It was simply her and John. Her John.

Getting out of her seat, she made her way towards him, grabbing the spray bottle on her way. “Do you want some help? I really don’t want to have to call the fire department on my day off, John! They’ll never let me live that down at the precinct.”

“I got it. I’m just making them the way you like them - charbroiled.” He explained, as he continued to watch the flames closely.

Joss couldn’t restrain her laughter as the flames increased. “Baby, they are burnt not charbroiled, there’s a difference.”

Joss handed him the spray bottle and watched, as with determination, he put out the flames. “See,” he said looking at her, taking a step back from the grill, “I told you I had it all under control!”

Joss rolled her eyes playfully, “Mhmm!” She said stepping before him and wrapping her arms around his waist. "I'll order take out." Laughing, she stood on her tip toes, giving him a sweet kiss. 

Smiling, she turned making her way inside. It was small moments like this that reminded her that everything they had been through together, was utterly worth it.


	2. Never hers.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joss comes to a tough realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one isn't a drabble but I had to get it out. I own nothing.

"Hey, partner! Shouldn't you be at home with your Man in the Suit?" Jocelyn Carter's thoughts were interrupted by her partner. Her gaze moved from the beer she had been nursing, to Fusco. "You ain't still mad at the man, are ya?" The look she gave him was answer enough. 

She hadn't seen John in three days. Not since he ran into that building, without backup, ready to sacrifice his life for everyone else. Not a single thought in his head about what his death would do to her. That was always his problem, he thought he was expendable. He wasn't. Not to her! 

"I'm not in the mood for a lecture," she said with a quick swipe at the tear that managed to escape. "So, if you came here for something other than a drink, you can march your ass right back outta this bar." Her focus returned to her beer and she lifted the glass to her mouth taking a long sip.

"Carter, the man loves you." She gave him a side-eye look that said,  _ 'you sure about that?'  _ "Now listen, you know deep down, that man would give the stars and the moon to you," She heard him pause briefly as if he were trying to find the right words. "and for some crazy reason, you love him too." 

"Lionel," she began to interrupt, but he was faster. 

"No, let me finish." He continued. "You love him, Carter. If you didn't, you wouldn't be this upset." 

Sighing, she looked over at him. Her eyes grew wide in the realization. He was right. She was in love with John Reese. She didn't even know when it happened, but she was and the thought of what he had done weighed even harder at that moment. She struggled to fight back the tears. 

"You know, I'm the last person that would root for our mystery man," he began again. "But that man loves you too and he would do anything for you and Taylor. I know you know that."

"Everything, but want to live." Joss finally spoke. "We were two minutes away Fusco. Two damn minutes. That's all it would have taken for me to have lost him."

"Joss," Oh, oh he used her name. She knew he was about to slap her with some truths. "It's his nature to help people while trying to keep those he cares about out of harm's way. In his twisted way, he was protecting you by going in there alone."

"I never asked him to do that for me. Had he not been wearing his vest…" She couldn't finish the words. Just the thought of him dying and it happening to protect her, was too much. Her life wasn't worth the cost of his. 

"But he was, Carter. You gotta accept that the big guy is going to do everything in his power to protect you. It keeps him going. If you're going to pursue, whatever it is that you two have going on, you're going to have to accept that."

"I can't do that." She tried to focus her gaze on anything but him. 

"He’s gotta want to live for himself, Fusco. He can’t just want to live for me. It’s not enough for him. It’ll never be enough for him. He’ll just run into the next building guns blazing with no regard for his welfare. I can’t sit there and watch that. I'd rather end this now." With those words, the dam that held back her tears finally broke. 

She would. She would end it with him now rather than watch him slowly kill himself. John had always felt that he was living on borrowed time. If he didn't die today he would eventually and soon. She wanted forever with him. Yet, forever wasn't something he would ever be able to give her. 

Wiping her tears, she picked up her beer and downed it. She would go see him. She would end this now, while it was easier for both of them. She would end this before he would shatter her heart into a million microscopic pieces. 

  
Gathering her things she threw a twenty on the bar top. With one last nod at her partner, she stood and exited the bar. Pausing outside, she inhaled deeply. She had to do this. As she turned walking in the direction towards his loft, she repeated a single thought in her mind,  _ He couldn't be hers. Not ever. _


	3. His Promise.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follows the events of Never Hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to leave yall hanging. By request, here's a continuation from 'Never Hers'. A HUGE thank you to those that have read & reviewed these. I'll try to keep them coming. As always, I own nothing.

Joss wasn't sure how long she stood outside John's door. Her hand raised to knock, but not quite ready yet. It had been a short twenty-minute walk from the bar that she left her partner in to John's loft. She was determined to end it with him tonight before her heart could catch up to her mind.

Joss always kept her heart guarded. After Paul, she didn't think she would find love again or the time for it. Then John came. John entered her life unexpectedly. First, it was the thrill of the chase. He brought excitement back into her life. It wasn't until he saved her from her CI that she felt their dynamic change. When he went on to save her son...everything changed. He kept his promise.

She remembered the night he brought her son back to her. He stopped by just to make sure she was okay. Her lips were on him so fast she didn't even have time to register what she was doing. What it all meant.

Things moved at a decent pace from there. They talked all night - she, of course, did most of the talking. However, they agreed to see where their feelings would take them.

If you'd asked her all those months ago, when they began this journey of exploring their feelings, if she would be standing here now getting ready to break things off? Joss would have said never. Yet, here she stood outside of his loft, trying to find the courage to just end it.

With those final thoughts and her lips pressed firmly together, she knocked and waited.

She heard movement inside before the door opened revealing John - who had seen better days. He looked as affected by their absence as she was. She caught a brief moment of shock on his face before he stepped aside to let her in.

Entering she looked around his place nothing seemed out of the ordinary, other than the couch. It held a pillow and sheets. He had been sleeping on the couch. "Something wrong with your bed, John?" It wasn't what she envisioned her first words to him in three days would be.

"It's missing you." His only reply. She knew this was his way of telling her that he missed her. That their bed felt big and empty without her. She knew because the same was happening at her house.

"Are - Are you okay? Is something wrong?" John stammered.

"Yeah, John. Something is wrong." She made her way to the couch, sitting down. She glanced up to the ceiling before continuing. "You know, on my way over here. I wanted to turn around and go home five times. Not because what I came here to say was going to be hard - because damn, it's going to be. No, it was because there's a part of me, no matter how small, that is okay with having only a small part of you." Her gaze shifted to him. The expression he held not giving away a hint of what he was currently feeling. "Then, I thought about our last phone call and I realized that this needed to be done."

She saw as John stiffened. She saw as realization of what she was about to say dawned on him. She saw in a brief moment the feelings of anguish, regret and finally sadness crossed his expression. Yet, as quick as those feelings came, they were gone. Replaced once again with his usual stoic look. Even in this moment, when the threat of the end of what they were starting to build came to an end. He couldn't give himself to her. Give her his pain - his anger. He still kept it all to himself.

Joss shook her head in disbelief, her eyes never leaving his. "Now I know I made the right decision."

He was quiet for a long pause before finally speaking, "What is it you want from me, Joss?" His voice pleading. How could he not know?

"Forever, John. I want forever. But that's not something you can give me." She wiped the tears that began to fall. "Every time I think that you're ready to open up to me, there's something that closes you off again. I know you think you're living on borrowed time, but you aren't. So this," she choked back tears, pausing momentarily.

"This," she motioned between the two of them. "It has to end now. I can't stand by and give you all of me, while I only have this tiny part of you." She stood making her way to him. "I definitely can't watch as you go into dangerous situations without a second thought for your own safety in mind, regardless of the reason."

"How can you ask me to not protect you?" He interrupted. "If it comes down to my life or yours, I'll always choose giving up mine." His hands moved to cup her cheeks. "It will always be you, Joss. There is no question, when it comes to protecting you. You would do the same for me."

"That's not fair, John."

"How? It's okay for you to risk everything for me, like you did with Donnelly - like with the vest. Yet, I can't protect you?" He didn't wait for her reply. "I'm always going to protect you. My thoughts are always of you. Whatever the situation is, you're always on my mind." He pulled her into a tight embrace and rested his chin on the top of her head. She felt as his hands stroked her back. She knew he was trying to reassure her that nothing he ever did wasn't without thought for her.

"You're right," John continued after a few moments. "I have a hard time opening up. I want to though. I want to open up - to you. Maybe a part of not doing so had to do with me thinking I was living on borrowed time."

"Do- Do you still think that, John?" She stuttered, pulling her head back slightly to look up at him.

"Not since we started this thing between us. You've got a way of making people want to live, Joss." His words made her smile. She wrapped her arms around him, placing her head to his chest. Maybe, just maybe they would be okay.

She was quiet for a long time. Letting all of his words sink in. He was willing to give her that large part of himself he had long closed off.

"I'll go with whatever it is you decide, Joss. If you want to end this, I - I will respect that decision. Whatever makes you happy."

Joss took a step back to look up at him. He would do anything for her, she already knew that. What she needed to know was what did he want. "What do you want, John?"

She watched as feelings confusion crossed his face by her question. Did anyone ever ask him what it was he wanted? "I mean it. What is it you want. Take aside my feelings and what you think would make me happy and answer. What do you want, John?"

"Just you, Joss." John answered.

Placing a hand on the side of his face, Joss smiled. "Then make me a promise. I know you always keep your promises."

"Anything." John said.

"Promise me, you'll always come home to me." This promise was her way of ensuring that regardless of what was going on, he'd always take necessary precautions to make it back to her.

It was at that moment he smiled - truly smiled down at her. "That is a promise I can easily keep."

With that, she closed the space between them and their lips met. Their kiss sealed _his promise._


	4. In him, she trusted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Thank you, for the continued support! Here's a new one for ya. A bit longer than a drabble, as usual, lol. I own nothing, but John and Joss own my ass!

"Get in the car, Joss!" John ordered.

"Don't tell me what to do! I'm a damn detective, John. I can take care of myself." Joss said as she kept walking.

"Joss, get in the car."

"Go away, John!"

"JOCELYN, GET IN THE GODDAMN CAR!"

It was at that moment, Joss realized John wasn't just angry because she had been ignoring all his calls for the past few days. The two years Joss had known John, she never heard him raise his voice. His voice was always low, soothing in a way. This, this was different. Something was wrong. She turned to the car and once John stopped she got in.

As he pulled away from the curb, she kept her eyes straight ahead, it was her way of being defiant still. Yeah, he got her to get in the car, but that didn't mean she had to like it.

"I asked one thing from you, Joss, to always keep your phone on…"

"John," Joss interrupted.

"No, you don't get to talk right now, Joss! You're going to listen. I did as you asked. I had Finch get rid of your surveillance with the promise, that you made might I add, that I can always reach you via your phone."

"I know." Her voice low.

"Then why was I not able to reach you, all twenty times I tried?" His voice still angry. "Do you have any idea how worried I was? Your number came up again, Carter!" There it was. The reason John was so worried. "I need to be able to reach you. I don't give a fuck how mad you are at me, that goddamn phone STAYS ON!" He snapped and gripped the steering wheel tightly.

She felt like shit. She was ignoring him because of the argument they had a couple of days ago. John was being overprotective as usual and Joss had to remind him again that she was a damn detective and that her life was always going to be in danger. He argued that meant she needed to take better precautions then because she knew better. Which led to Joss becoming so defensive she kicked him out of her house and told him she didn't want to see him again until she was ready.

Looking back now, she probably overreacted, but she didn't like the fact that John accused her of being careless. Yeah, she may have let the suspect she was chasing get too close putting her life in danger, had she not known what she was doing. She did know though and it pissed her off that John doubted her ability to do her job. He should know better.

Joss finally fixed her gaze on him. He was fuming, but she could see a hint of relief. "Where are we going?"

"To one of Finch's safe houses. I've already taken Taylor to your mom's. He's worried but he knows I'll be with you until we figure out who the threat is to you and we eliminate it. We will call him once we get to the safe house to ease his mind" He spoke, never taking his eyes off the road.

Her breath hitched as she realized that before even coming for her, he made sure that her son was somewhere safe. She exhaled loudly as even more guilt washed over her. Even though she was ignoring him, he still made sure her son and her family were safe. At that moment, she was pretty sure that she didn't deserve this man. She didn't deserve how good he was to her.

"John," she broke the silence that had fallen between them. "I'm… I didn't" She found it hard to find the words to express how sorry she was, how bad she felt.

"I know." He finished for her. His voice much calmer.

To him, she didn't need to say the words. He already knew. That didn't mean he shouldn't hear them. Not only was she being stubborn, she did the one thing she had never planned on doing...she scared him. With not being able to reach her and the machine giving them her number, John must have thought the worst.

"I really am sorry, John." She continued. "I never meant for you to think the worst. Had I known -" she stopped mid sentence, choking back tears.

She didn't realize how long she was quiet until the car stopped in front of one of Finch's midtown safe houses. She felt as John's right hand captured her left and he squeezed it giving her reassurance. She looked down at their hands and then back into his gorgeous eyes. They were darker than usual, filled with worry.

"We will figure this out. I won't let anything happen." He promised.

She smiled and nodded, trusting his words. She never trusted anyone the way she trusted him. Not her ex-husband. Not even the soldiers she was with when she went on tour in the Army. John she trusted wholeheartedly.

"How about we head inside get you settled and call Taylor and let him know you're alright?"

Nodding, Joss squeezed his hand before letting go and opening the car door. She would be okay. John would do everything to make sure of that. In him, she trusted.


	5. Destruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, in the Careese Facebook group, we got the talking about how John never addressing what she had done to switch his DNA, was a wasted opportunity. This story came out of that discussion. As this, like many of my stories, was rushed, all mistakes are my own. I don't own the characters, blah blah. I hope you enjoy!

"Did you know?" Asked an angry Reese as he entered the library.

"You will have to be a bit more specific than that, Mr. Reese." Finch replied.

John took the empty seat across from Harold. Flinging the file he received from Lionel onto the desk. John just returned from a meeting with Fusco to get some files on their latest number, when Fusco let something slip that he was sure his friends had never intended on him knowing.

When John entered the diner, he was expecting to be greeted by Joss. He expected that they would have their usual few minutes of banter while they enjoyed their coffee before Joss would hand him the files he requested. She would then remind him she was just a call away if he needed her assistance before leaving to heading back to the precinct.

Instead he found Lionel in her place when entering the diner. Worried, he questioned Lionel about his partners whereabouts. Lionel had simply told him that after what she did for John to get his DNA cleared she needed time off. Her moral compass had swayed and she was struggling with the fact. John, of course, had no idea what Lionel was referring to and after pressing the issue, he discovered that Joss and Harold had not only destroyed evidence, Joss also drugged a stranger to get his DNA and switched out the sample that they had. The news had shocked John.

That was how he found himself back at the library confronting Finch.

"Did you know how Joss was able to switch my DNA sample with someone else's, Harold?"

"Of course I did, Mr. Reese. She asked for my assistance and I wasn't going to let the Detective do it on her own." He replied.

Frustrated, John ran his hands through his hair growling. "How could you let her do that? How could you let her risk everything? For fucks sake Harold, she has a kid!"

"Mr. Reese, I helped to ensure she would not get caught. Jocelyn was going to clear you with or without my help. As you know Mr. Reese, when you're in love, like our detective is, you'll do anything to ensure the protection of the person you love. I figured she had a better chance of success with my assistance."

Harold's words hit John like a tsunami. He knew sometime in the last year, his dynamic with Joss had shifted. He would notice things like how he liked it when her hair was up in a ponytail or the way her work slacks hugged her just right. The more time he spent with her, his feelings for her grew deeper. Up until this moment, he thought it was just one sided. He didn't feel he deserved love, especially not hers, that caused him to miss the fact that while he was falling for her, so had she for him.

That - he had been unready for. As the realization of their feelings dawned on him, he knew he had to let her go. She had risked too much for him. He couldn't allow her to risk her job or her freedom. She would lose Taylor - everything, because of him. He couldn't allow that. He wouldn't! He had to see her. He needed to put a stop to whatever it was that this was becoming. He loved her too much.

Yes, from now on when they needed help, they would just reach out to Fusco. He would freeze her out. It would be his way of protecting her. He would do it, even if it meant she would hate him for it. At least she would be safe.

Without another word, John stood and left the library. He would go see her. He would end this before it could destroy them both.


	6. Be all right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything, except for errors in grammar.

"Hey, partner! Cover for me?" Came Fusco's voice from his desk across from hers. Joss looked up eyebrow raised questioning where he was off to.

"I gotta go meet our mutual friend." Was his only reply as he hurriedly grabbed his coat and left so he wouldn't have to face anymore questions from her.

Sighing, Joss sat back in her seat forgetting all about the report she was working on. This had been the third time this week, he and Finch had only called Fusco for help. That's when it occurred to her...

That son of a bitch had actually gone and done it. He went ahead with his plan of freezing her out. Joss thought she had gotten through to him the other night, when he came to see her to let her know that her services would no longer be needed. He had the nerve to act like he was her damn boss and terminating her employment.

To be honest at first she had no clue why he was even shutting her out. But she kept pressing him until he caved. John found out the length she'd gone to in order to clear his name during his short stint at Rikers. She had no intention of him finding out, but she should have known better. John knew everything about her, so it was no surprise that he found out about the DNA swap.

She shook the thoughts from her mind as she reached for her desk drawer to pull out the phone he had given her so long ago. If John thought he could just disappear from her life and she would just take it without a fight, he had another thing coming. Dialing 1 on the speed dial she brought the phone to her ear and waited as it rang.

1 ring. 2 rings. Voicemail. So he was playing that game.

"John, I thought we settled this the other night? It appears I was wrong. We need to meet. My place tonight. Let yourself in, since you're good at that...and John, don't make me hunt you down." With that she flipped the phone closed and threw it back into the drawer, slamming it shut. It was going to be a long damn day!

* * *

As suspected, work had been a bitch. Her mind was on what was happening on the job, she let a damn perp get the drop on her. Luckily, Fusco was right behind her and took him down. Her shoulder ached and she was on desk duty until it healed. She blamed John, of course. Had he not shut her out, she would have been alert and the perp never would have gotten the drop on her. Yes, it was definitely his fault, she thought as she entered her dark home throwing her keys in the bowl next to the door. Taylor was spending the night at a friend's and she couldn't wait to draw a hot bath and soak her damn aching bones.

It took her a moment after closing the door and turning on the lights to realize she wasn't alone. With the commotion of the day, she'd forgotten she asked John to come over. The last thing she needed was for him to see her like this.

Joss sighed and gathered herself together before slowly turning to meet him. She instantly noticed the look of worry cross his face as he took in her appearance. He was in front of her with a quickness she hadn't seen before.

"What happened?" Was all he asked.

"Hello to you too, John."

"Joss." He warned.

"I'm fine. One of our suspects in a case got the jump on me from behind. I hit the ground hard, but Fusco was there. He's in a jail cell waiting arraignment...that he will make it to, John," she warned. She knew John was seeing red and the last thing she needed was him going after her perp to avenge her. She definitely didn't want to have to deal with the additional paperwork that would come with it.

He looked her over and she saw as he relaxed slightly. "How long you in the sling for?"

"Doc thinks no more than 2 weeks, until then I'm stuck riding the desk." Joss sighed as she made her way around him and into her kitchen with John following after her.

"But, that's not why I asked you here tonight. You wanna tell me why you've been shutting me out, even though we had this conversation about you NOT shutting me out not too long ago?" Joss said getting to the point.

"You risked too much, Joss. I'm the reason you crossed lines you shouldn't be crossing. I can't let you lose everything for me. Shit, Joss you almost did lose everything." He said wanting her to see reasoning.

"John, my years as an interrogator taught me that there was only black and white. I lived with that way of thinking for a long time," Her good hand reached out, cupping the side of his face, caressing his cheek as she continued, "But then this man that was picked up for roughing up some bad guys on the subway, comes into my life and we start this game of chase. The more I chased him the more clear things became. John, you taught me that it's not just black and white. You showed me there's color in this world." Using her thumb, she wiped away the tear that escaped his gorgeous, broken eyes. "You think that you being in my life has changed my moral compass, it hasn't John. It has just finally been realigned."

He said nothing, he didn't need to. His eyes spoke all the things that his lips couldn't say. Anyone who ever had a run in with John, would say that he wasn't a man of many words. Joss knew different. John spoke often, he just didn't use his mouth to speak. His eyes, did it for him. It's what drew her to him and she had a feeling, her knowledge of this was why he kept coming back to her. She understood him more than probably anyone had ever understood him. The crazy thing was that he understood her just the same.

It's why she couldn't - no wouldn't let him walk away now. She knew after all the things he had done, that his country asked him to do, he would still blame himself. That didn't mean he had to carry that burden on his own. He'd never forget the things he'd done, she would never ask him to. That didn't mean that she couldn't help carry some of that for him. If he continues to hold the guilt on his own, it will wear him down eventually. He'll become careless and he will get caught. Thrown into some dark hole to never be heard from again. It's why she did what she did without a second thought. Switching the DNA would keep him safe. It would keep him around her long enough to break down the wall he spent so many years constructing.

"You risked everything, Joss." He finally spoke. His hands reaching up to gently wrap around her wrists, stroking softly. "Everything for a man that doesn't deserve to be saved."

"John," she paused trying to find the right words. "I don't think you deserve to be put in some dark hole as punishment by people who asked you to do the things they are now trying to punish you for." She moved her hand from his face, dropping it down between them, grasping his hand in hers.

"Don't shut me out because I finally did the right thing by helping you." Her eyes moved from him down to where their hands were joined together. "Don't," her voice was almost a whisper. "Don't punish me for helping you."

She heard a sharp intake of breath as he pulled back in an attempt to release their hands. She held on tighter.

"I'm not trying to punish you. I'm trying to keep you safe. Can't you see Joss. This world - your son, can't afford to lose you. I…" he paused, choking back the words. "I can't lose you."

"Oh, John…" she closed the distance between them and pulled him into a tight embrace. She didn't know how long they stood there holding each other. Both afraid that if they let go, they would both be lost to each other forever.

"You won't lose me," she finally spoke breaking the silence. "You can shut me out, John. Try to push me away, but I'm not going anywhere. Because just as much as you need me...I need you too. Don't push me away, John. I'll just chase you and we both know I'll catch you. I always do."

She felt his arms finally snake around her waist in defeat. "We're gonna be all right, John." She inhaled his scent as he tightened his hold, being mindful of her sling. "As long as we got each other, we are going to be all right."


	7. End of Watch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Alright, so I got this idea from an episode of Elementary I watched where an officer died in the line of duty and the department had an end of watch call for the officer. I wanted to do one for Joss and since we never really got John saying goodbye to Joss (he mourned for like 2 episodes but that was it), I thought this would be a great way to add one in. I'm not happy with how it fully turned out. I wasn't going to share it because I write/read fics where Joss doesn't die, but I just needed to get it out and write it. I hope you guys enjoy! Also thank you to all of you that have been reviewing these drabbles/oneshots I truly appreciate it and it keeps me wanting to write more, so thank you! I own nothing. All mistakes are my own.

"Did ya ever say a proper goodbye to her?" Asked a curious Lionel Fusco. The one year anniversary of his partners death was approaching. He noticed that John's mood had shifted drastically this week. He had been much more agitable. The moment Fusco noticed the date he knew what caused it all. Everyone had the chance to mourn and say goodbye to her at her funeral. Everyone but John. John was unconscious somewhere in a safe location. He couldn't make it. Then there just never seemed to be a time for him to mourn.

"Let it be, Lionel" John warned. He never had the chance to truly say his goodbye to Joss. He couldn't. Saying goodbye made it real. Saying goodbye, meant she truly wasn't coming back. In his mind he could pretend she was away in DC having been offered a job by the Bureau. He didn't want this reality where she no longer existed. So no, he hadn't truly mourned her by saying goodbye.

"Listen, this... ain't healthy." Lionel continued, motioning at the 3 empty Jim Beam bottles in front of John. "You can't drink her away. You should know that better than anyone. Mourn her John, say your goodbyes. Then start to move forward."

"W- what? Like you've all done. It's like she never existed to you... to Finch... or Shaw." John responded, his voice low.

"Is that what you think we've done, John? Are you kiddin' me?" Lionel was furious. "What university did Taylor decide on? Who is covering his scholarship for all 4 years?" Lionel paused waiting for John to answer.

John didn't. He didn't know the answers. He hadn't seen Taylor since before that day. He couldn't go see him. He failed to protect his mother. He was sure the boy wanted nothing to do with him.

"You don't know do you, Wonderboy? Why would you? Not like you've checked on him since Carter...He asks about you every time I visit him." Fusco was pulling out the claws. "He's going to NYU, he doesn't want to leave the city that is a reminder of his mother. Answer to the second one is Finch. Finch made sure his tuition was covered. You'd know that if you weren't so deep in self-pity," Lionel sighed. "We didn't forget her, John. We just chose to honor her by moving forward... by watching over her son." Fusco paused as he watched as John slumped forward in his seat, his head resting on his forearms.

Lionel was right and John knew it. He didn't keep his promise to her. Joss asked that he not let this change him, that he look after Taylor for her. How could he have been so… selfish. They were all hurting.

"Look, I gotta go. Glasses sent me here to talk some sense into you. So, sober up, mourn Carter and then go see her boy. You owe her that." Shaking his head, Lionel made his way to the loft door. "I sent you something that might help you start the process of mourning and letting go. I'll see you on Monday, pal" With that Lionel left and John was once again alone in his loft.

John got up and stumbled his way over to his bed before collapsing on it, closing his eyes as the conversation with Fusco ran through his head over and over again. He wasn't sure how much time had passed as he rolled over reaching to the nightstand to grab his phone. Lionel had said he sent him something. Something that would help begin the process.

Flipping the phone open John scrolled to the messages from Lionel.

_When we lose someone on the force, the department has an end of watch radio call for the fallen officer. Take a listen, maybe it'll help you finally mourn her. I miss her too, pal. We gotta keep living for her. Call if you need anything - Fusco_

Attached with the message was a media message. John paused a long moment before clicking on the media message to listen to its contents.

_Silence. "This is Dispatch to Officer 55432" The radio went silent._

_"Dispatch to Officer 55432 - No response from Officer Jocelyn Carter" The radio fell silent again._

_"Officer Jocelyn Carter's watch has ended. We will never forget your service to this city and its people." _

The radio went silent for the final time and John finally had done something he hadn't since leaving her on that sidewalk a year ago. John wept.


	8. Safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jim Caviezel take the wheel! Another angsty one for yall. I promise I'll write happy Careese soon, lol. To all that have been reviewing, thank you sooo much. It honestly drives me to want to write more.

"We're okay, baby." Joss panted trying to get through to John.

"I heard the shot. I thought I was too late, again. I thought I lost you both." His eyes never left his target. His gun still drawn and pointed at the head of the man sitting on the ground, out of breath.

"We're okay, John." Joss tried her damnedest to get through to John. She knew he was only seeing red. She'd been gone - taken, for 24 hours now. All because she and Fusco were closing in on a suspect for a homicide they'd been working.

John must have been tearing the city apart looking for her. Then hearing the gunshot as he pulled up to the warehouse, she could only imagine he had thought the worst. She needed to take control of the situation, before John did something that couldn't be taken back. Joss slowly made her way to him.

"John," Both hands moved to his face cupping his head, bringing his focus to her. "We are okay. Feel." Her left hand slid down, grasping his right that wasn't holding the gun, bringing it to her swollen belly. "You feel him? He's okay," She moved his hand higher just above her heart, "You feel that? I'm okay. Lower the gun, John. Fusco just pulled up and he'll take him into custody. Right now, I need you to come back to me. I need my John now, not Resse. Pack him away."

He didn't lower his gun, not until Fusco walked over placing cuffs on the perp. Blinking his eyes focused on Joss. He didn't move. He should be checking her over, checking for any injuries. He just couldn't. He'd almost lost her today. He'd almost lost his child.

"Get him outta here, partner! I'll call this in." Fusco ordered. Joss simply nodded and moved to John's side wrapping her arm around him as she gently began to walk him towards the car. She needed to get him home. She needed to reassure him that they were okay that they both were now safe. That he had gotten there in time.

"Get in the car please, John"

He did as she asked without a word, as if he were on auto pilot.

The entire drive home she kept one hand on the wheel the other held his stroking it gently, reassuring that she was there. Once home, she was bombarded by questions from Taylor, before he threw his arms around her just glad she was home. She could tell he was worried about John, he still hadn't said a word.

She ushered Taylor to bed, letting him know she'd take care of John. Reassuring him that everything would be alright with a bit of time. Taylor bid them both goodnight before he reluctantly headed to his room

Still by his side, Joss moved so that they could make their way upstairs to their bedroom. Gently closing the door behind them she began to undress John. She removed his gun and holster placing them in the drawer next to the stand on his side of the bed. Next she removed his ear piece. His jacket came next, followed by his shirt. Finally, moving on to remove his shoes, socks and pants. Once John was standing in only his boxer briefs and undershirt she pulled him towards the bed. "Lay down, John." She ordered.

He did as she said. She made work removing her own clothes, until all she had left was her bra and panties.

Making her way to her side of the bed she crawled in beside John, and snuggled up next to him laying his hand on his chest. They stayed that way silently for a few minutes until John finally snaked his arm around her, pulling her tightly to his side. His other hand reached across him to mindlessly rub her belly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Joss offered. She wouldn't push him. Right now she knew he just needed to hold her, to feel their son kick in her womb and as if on queue, he did. Joss heard John's intake of breath before his heavy and shaky exhale. She could feel his body begin to shake as the tears that hadn't escaped until now, finally did. She simply held onto him tightly. He needed this.

"We're okay, John. Everything is okay." She repeated over and over.

She wasn't sure how long they lay there. It wasn't until he was quiet and his breathing evened out that she knew he had finally fallen asleep from exhaustion. Joss let out a sigh of relief. She'd almost lost John to the dark today. They would need to talk about what happened. For now, she was just glad to be home, to be in his arms. Her body was finally able to relax and her eyes closed as she drifted off feeling safe wrapped in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo, I hope you guys enjoyed that. I was going to write a scene on what happened during the 24 hours she was gone, but honestly felt it didn't need to be again for reading and reviewing!


End file.
